I have never been terribly good at saying Good-Bye. Be it a relationship; in loss of any kind, divorce, death or even stepping onto a plane.
Good-Bye invokes sorrow such emotion welling up inside me merely contemplating the word!
Having lost 4 family members in the past few months while dealing with my own life threatening disease, it has forced its way into my life....I had to learn to let those words slip from my heart and touch the still air again and again!
Now, yet again my heart is touched with Good-Bye...another loss...not of a life but from my life. I must say Good-Bye to someone with whom I once thought to be my closest friend.
When will it end....day after day! Just as I begin to breathe. Again!
My tendency is to close my heart and retreat, yet this time even as it seems the rain will never end, I am not retreating. I know that he is walking with me and that he holds something better for me. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal. Let the earth quake, my hope is unchanged.
Don't worry about anything instead, pray about everything, tell God your needs and thank him for this answers. Phil 4:6-7
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Over My Head
I am in over my head..........It has been months since I posted, life has just been so overwhelming I haven't known what to say or how to release the emotions within.
Deaths, disasters, illnesses.....much too overwhelming. It all began with the death of my kids father....I started doing my usual straying from what I know holds me up each day and just holding on. Then my illness, my stepdads death....much, much too overwhelming and still I am not calling on my Lord....because I guess I am mad that all of this is happening to me. When oh Lord when......
Now I have been with my Mom for months, having left my home and family to take care of her. Fighting battles and handling my stepdads estate matters......now letting frustration with my health, my emotions, my situation slip in and then I hear the voice that I have been ignoring for months....I am in over my head. I KNOW THAT I AM IN OVER MY HEAD....why are you telling me that.
All this time I think I have been handling this alone.........and yet I was never alone. My sweet Jesus was of coarse with me all along, holding me up, not letting me fall too far....softly holding my hand. When I am tired, frustrated and think I can not take anymore and simply need a place to rest.........I realize
Time and Time Again, he is there, although I may never understand......I know that I know that what I have been holding on to all this time was holding onto me.
I am indeed In Over My Head........and that's ok!
Deaths, disasters, illnesses.....much too overwhelming. It all began with the death of my kids father....I started doing my usual straying from what I know holds me up each day and just holding on. Then my illness, my stepdads death....much, much too overwhelming and still I am not calling on my Lord....because I guess I am mad that all of this is happening to me. When oh Lord when......
Now I have been with my Mom for months, having left my home and family to take care of her. Fighting battles and handling my stepdads estate matters......now letting frustration with my health, my emotions, my situation slip in and then I hear the voice that I have been ignoring for months....I am in over my head. I KNOW THAT I AM IN OVER MY HEAD....why are you telling me that.
All this time I think I have been handling this alone.........and yet I was never alone. My sweet Jesus was of coarse with me all along, holding me up, not letting me fall too far....softly holding my hand. When I am tired, frustrated and think I can not take anymore and simply need a place to rest.........I realize
Time and Time Again, he is there, although I may never understand......I know that I know that what I have been holding on to all this time was holding onto me.
I am indeed In Over My Head........and that's ok!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
With Each Day
As the light comes anew each morning, so does the prospect of greatness. It is so exciting to realize that each and every morning you have a new opportunity. We wake up and take that first step....putting one foot on the floor and then the other!
If I have learned nothing else in the most recent months of loss, it's that we have been gifted with this life. A gift that we should hold dear and honor. We should take care of ourselves and check in daily to make certain that our path is right, that we are making the most of our gifts, that we are sharing with others.... I already knew this, yet it has never been so abundantly clear.... Life is much too short to squander with uncertainty and unhappiness.
Through the trials and tribulations that we encounter; we must strive to find the good in all things bad, the gracious in the disdainful, the joy in all sorrow....to find Hope in the new light of day. To make lite the load of others when we can and to always remember that through God, there is always a new day. Just as the light comes anew each morning......
If I have learned nothing else in the most recent months of loss, it's that we have been gifted with this life. A gift that we should hold dear and honor. We should take care of ourselves and check in daily to make certain that our path is right, that we are making the most of our gifts, that we are sharing with others.... I already knew this, yet it has never been so abundantly clear.... Life is much too short to squander with uncertainty and unhappiness.
Through the trials and tribulations that we encounter; we must strive to find the good in all things bad, the gracious in the disdainful, the joy in all sorrow....to find Hope in the new light of day. To make lite the load of others when we can and to always remember that through God, there is always a new day. Just as the light comes anew each morning......
Thursday, December 6, 2007
The Path
Life will be different now.....for my kids. They must look at life through new eyes. The last remnants of hope that their father would win that last battle against his illness is forever gone. Although he led many a valiant battle against his enemy, at last stand he was too tired. His vessel too weakened. His soul is now free.
I don't know what to do with this.....I'm the mother, I have spent my life fixing things, no matter what I had to do. I fixed things, if even a temporary bandage, the bleeding was stopped. I can not fix this for my children. They must grieve, cry, question and find peace with his passing. Not an easy task, yet one that will not be ignored. It will simply keep coming at them until they find their way through it. I know this to be true, I just can't quit trying to make the mend for them. A hug, a kiss, prayers, a quite conversation or just a message on voice mail.....this is all that I can do.
I continue to struggle with learning patience.....I have always wanted everything to be ok right now! As I struggle with patience, my children struggle with grief and life and understanding. And I pray that God will grant them the peace that they need to stay the path. That in loss they will find love.
I don't know what to do with this.....I'm the mother, I have spent my life fixing things, no matter what I had to do. I fixed things, if even a temporary bandage, the bleeding was stopped. I can not fix this for my children. They must grieve, cry, question and find peace with his passing. Not an easy task, yet one that will not be ignored. It will simply keep coming at them until they find their way through it. I know this to be true, I just can't quit trying to make the mend for them. A hug, a kiss, prayers, a quite conversation or just a message on voice mail.....this is all that I can do.
I continue to struggle with learning patience.....I have always wanted everything to be ok right now! As I struggle with patience, my children struggle with grief and life and understanding. And I pray that God will grant them the peace that they need to stay the path. That in loss they will find love.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Melodies Of Life
We met in the sewer......how funny that sounds!
Through the years as things became difficult between us, we joked about having met in the sewer...... "should have known where this relationship was headed"!
But in all actuality, the sewer is a huge pipe that collects rain.... flowing under the city until it is free at the rivers edge. Most of the year it is but a stream slowly trickling into the river. As the sun sets in the evening the most magnificent colors are cast on the walls, the notes flow from the strings as they played.....the voices sweet and even....It is a magical place that he loved. He went there in times of trouble and joy, to be alone and to be with friends.
He was, albeit misunderstood; my friend and a gift from God. He is now back in his master's arms.....and I give to him this song!
Through the years as things became difficult between us, we joked about having met in the sewer...... "should have known where this relationship was headed"!
But in all actuality, the sewer is a huge pipe that collects rain.... flowing under the city until it is free at the rivers edge. Most of the year it is but a stream slowly trickling into the river. As the sun sets in the evening the most magnificent colors are cast on the walls, the notes flow from the strings as they played.....the voices sweet and even....It is a magical place that he loved. He went there in times of trouble and joy, to be alone and to be with friends.
He was, albeit misunderstood; my friend and a gift from God. He is now back in his master's arms.....and I give to him this song!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
One Of Lifes Big Bumps
Today was a difficult day.....one that I knew would come. I simply was not ready for it.
Today, I had to tell my children that their father had died.
Henry Shuford Hentz Jr. was an incredible soul. A very talented, bright, sweet, sweet soul. The one great love of my life, the father of my children, gone.
It seemed when we met some 34 years ago that he had such a bright future. He romanced me like no one ever had and no one has since, we loved, had children, married, lost a child to cancer, divorced and never stopped loving each other.
He had a difficult time finding his way through this life, no one really knows why. I had hoped and prayed that he would get better and make peace with this life. He had so much to offer, so many lives he had touched. He will be missed for a long time to come.
Such a sad, sad day.
Today, I had to tell my children that their father had died.
Henry Shuford Hentz Jr. was an incredible soul. A very talented, bright, sweet, sweet soul. The one great love of my life, the father of my children, gone.
It seemed when we met some 34 years ago that he had such a bright future. He romanced me like no one ever had and no one has since, we loved, had children, married, lost a child to cancer, divorced and never stopped loving each other.
He had a difficult time finding his way through this life, no one really knows why. I had hoped and prayed that he would get better and make peace with this life. He had so much to offer, so many lives he had touched. He will be missed for a long time to come.
Such a sad, sad day.
Monday, October 22, 2007
As The Sun Comes Through The Stained Glass Window
It seems as though I have been on a mission all my life....never having arrived. This past weekend I spent time at my pastor's home listening to others talk about their lives and how they came to be in that very room at that moment. I realized that every day of my life, each turn, bend in the road, bad decision....all of my choices had not changed where I would arrive...perhaps... only when.
I believe that God planted each of us here on this incredible planet with a purpose instilled. I have wrestled with life for a little over 50 years, now. All the while believing that I had a purpose, just not being still enough to recognize it. Asking, sometimes begging for the answer and thinking that I wasn't getting it. Never realizing that I already had the answer. I was born with it, have lived each and every day of my life with it and yet never stopped long enough to embrace the gifts that my God had given me. I have spent hundreds of days, sometimes simply wandering through life but many, many of those days on a Mission to discover my mission in life....
Oddly enough, as I was sitting in my pastors living room listening to others talk about their journeys I realized that my journey had truly always been a mission to understand my purpose.....for years I had questioned and wondered and made messes and searched and searched some more.....and had at that very moment possibly finally found my home and my work. Or at least I am growing nearer to hearing that small voice. I am learning to be still and listen and trust what I hear.
Then comes Sunday morning.......I work all week to arrive in the sanctuary of Memorial Drive United Methodist Church early.....enjoying the quiet before anyone else arrives, watching the sun come through the amazing stained glass windows....This time has become mine with my Lord and I cherish each second of it. The people arrive, the quiet is gone, the sermon begins and once again I am speechless....the sermon.....You Have A Gift From God......realize it ....use it.
Mine is an Awesome God!
I believe that God planted each of us here on this incredible planet with a purpose instilled. I have wrestled with life for a little over 50 years, now. All the while believing that I had a purpose, just not being still enough to recognize it. Asking, sometimes begging for the answer and thinking that I wasn't getting it. Never realizing that I already had the answer. I was born with it, have lived each and every day of my life with it and yet never stopped long enough to embrace the gifts that my God had given me. I have spent hundreds of days, sometimes simply wandering through life but many, many of those days on a Mission to discover my mission in life....
Oddly enough, as I was sitting in my pastors living room listening to others talk about their journeys I realized that my journey had truly always been a mission to understand my purpose.....for years I had questioned and wondered and made messes and searched and searched some more.....and had at that very moment possibly finally found my home and my work. Or at least I am growing nearer to hearing that small voice. I am learning to be still and listen and trust what I hear.
Then comes Sunday morning.......I work all week to arrive in the sanctuary of Memorial Drive United Methodist Church early.....enjoying the quiet before anyone else arrives, watching the sun come through the amazing stained glass windows....This time has become mine with my Lord and I cherish each second of it. The people arrive, the quiet is gone, the sermon begins and once again I am speechless....the sermon.....You Have A Gift From God......realize it ....use it.
Mine is an Awesome God!
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